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 A Woman's week at the Gym
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Author Previous Topic: This is an outrage! Topic Next Topic: Daily Messages from your Husband...  


RO# 10414

Posted - Apr 15 2009 :  10:05:31  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Lainie, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Lainie waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Lainie gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring!

Lainie was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!



I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Lainie made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Lainie's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.



The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Lainie was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Lainie put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Lainie told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh-t too.



Lainie was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Lainie took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b-ch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.



I hate that b-ch Lainie more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Lainie wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Lainie left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly whiny voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.



I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh-t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

Homeport: Seneca River, NY

Brian N

RO# 3970

Posted - Apr 15 2009 :  10:15:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That's darned funny!

Homeport: Somewhere in the woods, NH Go to Top of Page


RO# 30796

Posted - Apr 16 2009 :  21:54:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Here's another great gift:

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb a-s.


Homeport: edison, nj Go to Top of Page


RO# 20462

Posted - Apr 19 2009 :  07:25:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
As somebody who's going to lose weight and get in shape--- um---- tomorrow or next week sometime, maybe, I loved that post! And the joke. And the Palin quote. (Amen, sistah!)

Homeport: Edenton, NC Go to Top of Page
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