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 A Woman's week at the Gym
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Author Previous Topic: This is an outrage! Topic Next Topic: Daily Messages from your Husband...  

Sunny

RO# 10414

Posted - Apr 15 2009 :  10:05:31  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.



Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.



I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Lainie, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.



My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Lainie waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!



Lainie gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring!

Lainie was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Lainie made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Lainie's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.



_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.


Lainie was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.



My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Lainie put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Lainie told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh-t too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Lainie was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.


Lainie took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b-ch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that b-ch Lainie more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Lainie wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY:

Lainie left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly whiny voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh-t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!





Homeport: Seneca River, NY

Brian N

RO# 3970



Posted - Apr 15 2009 :  10:15:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That's darned funny!


Homeport: Somewhere in the woods, NH Go to Top of Page

oneillch

RO# 30796

Posted - Apr 16 2009 :  21:54:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Here's another great gift:

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb a-s.

Cheri



Homeport: edison, nj Go to Top of Page

amelia

RO# 20462

Posted - Apr 19 2009 :  07:25:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
As somebody who's going to lose weight and get in shape--- um---- tomorrow or next week sometime, maybe, I loved that post! And the joke. And the Palin quote. (Amen, sistah!)




Homeport: Edenton, NC Go to Top of Page
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